Time is the Most Precious Gift You Can Give

[NicoleMarie777]

I provided feedback for Personal Statement Rough Draft-Please Advise and PA Narrative - Please Advise!

This is a rough draft for my personal statement. Insights, corrections and comments are greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance!

Time is the most precious gift you can give. Volunteering, serving, giving your time to help others is an extremely fulfilling way to live. My drive to help the underserved, in combination with my fascination in Biology, has led me to seek out a position in the medical field as a Physician Assistant.

I was lucky enough to grow up in a household where giving back was a part of life. My father was and still is heavily involved with Rotary International. While I was a child, my father would often bring my sister and me to Rotary events. My first volunteer experience was selling snow cones at the age of seven to raise funds for my father’s Rotary club. As I grew older I asked to help volunteer alongside my father. Through this experience I gained a passion for helping others. I have been able to go to Mexico to give Polio vaccinations and build homes for the less fortunate. I have gone Christmas shopping with women and their families living in Laura’s House, a domestic violence shelter. Clothing drives and feeding the homeless were regular weekend activities growing up. As I got older, I started to volunteer with other organizations through the Rotary, Church and school programs. Most recently, I volunteered as a camp counselor at Camp Ronald McDonald for Good Times, an overnight camp for children with cancer and their siblings.

While I grew up cultivating a heart for serving others it was an interest in Science that led me to choosing to major in Molecular, Cellular and Developmental Biology as an undergraduate. I have always had a fascination with seeing how things worked and excelled in science throughout my younger years. While I love science and research, I never saw myself pursuing work full time in a laboratory and wanted to build more interpersonal relationships in my career. My love for helping others along with my interest in Biology has inevitably led me to pursue a career in the medical field. I feel that as a Physician Assistant I will be able to combine my two passions into a fulfilling career.

I have not always been this driven and focused on what I wanted for my future. While I enjoyed Biology and my classes, a lack of focus and illness prevented me from excelling as an undergraduate. Upon graduation I took some time off to travel through Europe and refocus on what I really wanted for my future. Shortly after returning from my travels, I met my first Physician Assistant. I had to go to my primary care doctor for a routine medical checkup and fortunately my doctor’s schedule was full so the office offered me an appointment with their Physician Assistant. It was through this interaction with the Physician Assistant that I learned about the PA profession. As I asked him questions about being a PA, I could not help but notice the care and attention he was giving me and my questions. It was through this conversation and further research into the PA profession on my own that led me to want to become a Physician Assistant. It was inspiring that to find a career where I could really work with and help patients.

I began to take steps toward becoming a Physician Assistant myself. I got my phlebotomy license in order to gain experience working with patients. My current position as Life IVF Center has helped me reaffirm that I am good fit for the medical field. Through my current position at Life IVF Center I have gained valuable insight into how a medical team works together and functions. It is quite amazing to see how the laboratory, where I work, to the front desk staff, nurse practioners, and doctors communicate and work together to treat patients. Life IVF Center is an infertility center specializing in In-vitro fertilization and Assisted Reproductive Technologies, helping infertile women imagine their dreams of having families. While working full time to gain patient care experience, I also signed up for missing prerequisite courses and have excelled in these courses with mostly all A’s. I have also started to retake courses in which I have done poorly in an effort to improve my GPA. I know my GPA is a weak point in my application and I truly want to give myself the best opportunity to become a competitive candidate for this career that I truly desire.

Helping others and serving the underserved is what makes for a truly happy and fulfilling life. This is what I desire in a career. I believe that becoming a Physician Assistant will allow me a fulfilling career in which I can use my training to continue to help and serve others.

[TU RN]

Hey Nicole Marie!

Good essay!

What I like:
1. Your first sentence was a good hook. "Time as a gift" and volunteering is a good theme and captivates my interest. I only wish you had created more of a paragraph establishing that as your theme instead of immediately transitioning to your experiences.
2. You really succeed at sharing your experiences and letting the reader know you're good with people.
3. You convey that even since a young age you demonstrated the beneficence of a healthcare provider.

What might need revision:
1. Like I said you mentioned a good theme, but didn't develop it and went into your experiences just afterwards.Three sentences don't make a strong opening paragraph either. Expand on your philosophy that "giving your time to others is an extremely fulfilling way to live." I agree with you, by the way!
2. The experience you've gained is good, but listing them off the way you do in paragraph 2 might be construed as boring or cookie cutter. I don't mean to offend, but I've read some articles about writing strong personal statements and "listing" was mentioned in a few of them.
3. You apologize for your grades a little too much, another pitfall I've encountered in my research of a strong PA narrative. While it is suggested that the narrative is the best place to clear up your shortcomings, this instance may be a little excessive. First in paragraph 4, you reference "lack of focus and illness" as impediments in your studies. Later at the end of paragraph 5 you mention your GPA directly as something you mean to improve. Maybe combine these "shortcomings" into one single paragraph. Also, I would leave the specific reference to letter grades or even using the acronym "GPA" completely out.

Your narrative is convincing that you have the personality becoming of a PA. You should also consider emailing or handing it to some close friends and relatives to get more perspective Good luck!

[jstenton20]

I ENJOYED YOUR OPENING AND FELT YOUR LIFE EXPERIENCE WAS A STRONG POINT. YOU KIND OF FADED AT THE END WITH THE GRADES AND IT WEAKENED THE WHOLE ESSAY. TRY TO INCORPORATE IN AS PART OF YOUR LIFE/TRAVEL EXPERIENCE, OWN IT A LITTLE MORE BUT IT SHOULD NOT BE WHAT THE READER IS LEFT WITH. EXCELLENT START.

[behappy]

Your introduction is great! Try to continue with the same strength in writing through the rest of the essay. Overall though, a winning essay. Great work!