THE SCHOOL OF HARD KNOCKS

[jstenton20]

THIS IS MY ROUGH DRAFT FOR PA NARRATIVE. PLEASE OFFER ANY COMMENTS AND SUGGESTIONS, PULL NO PUNCHES I CAN HANDLE IT.
THANK YOU IN ADVANCE


“Please sweetheart stay with mommy, I need you” my mom pleaded with tearful and swollen eyes as she laid sprawled out on the floor. Standing at the door was my father holding my faded, blue, hooded winter coat coaxing me to come with him. The look in his eyes was of bewilderment and rage. There I stood in between the two of them, confused, frightened and overwhelmed. The majority of my childhood and teenage years were spent in a similar fashion.
Over the ensuing years, I laid witness to physical, verbal and sexual abuse and watched as drugs and alcohol had ravaged my family.
As dire as this period was, my real nature blossomed from this morass. I had not become closed off or hardened as my brother did but began to view the world through compassionate and caring lenses. The more pain I endured, the greater my capacity for empathy and love became. No matter how much I tried to deny it, this was inescapable truth. There was a time I felt robbed by this, as if I was owed something; I should be the receiver and not the giver. This contradiction caused an internal split, and I concluded I could not count on anyone but myself and contemporaneously asserted, “I and I alone could save the world.” This belief system would lead to some of my greatest accomplishments and worst defeats.
By the beginning of 2006, I was financially stable, built a profitable personal training business and was the proud father of two amazing daughters. I had saved a life and was the last person a dying man would ever see. However, by the end of 2006, through circumstances out of my control and of my doing I had lost everything. Sustaining a serious back injury my capacity to work became limited. Within a few months, the gym where I had run most of my business closed due to financial mismanagement.
Things quickly spiraled out of control. I lost my financial means and shortly thereafter my family. All my prior success and work I had done on a personal level had not prepared me for this. Feeling powerless and coming face to face with my limitations, I turned to alcohol as an escape.
By the end of 2006, I had no money, no family and was bouncing from couch to couch. Still too “proud” to ask for help, I did the unthinkable and committed a crime. I spent three weeks in jail. Born out of these darkest hours would be a new beginning.
Realizing I could no longer go it alone, I reached out for help and was enveloped by the love and caring of others. Having been sober for seven years, I have been blessed to sponsor others and have been part of an amazing professional team. It is through these later experiences that I have come to value interdependence not only in my private life as a single father of two daughters, but in my professional life working in orthopedics, pain management, and as the sole proprietor of two small businesses. I provide the dedication, commitment and hard work but my success is a result of those around me.
Over the last seven years, I have realized those of us working in the medical field are cut from a special cloth. Based on my experience, most people are not in this profession for the pay, for the prestige, or for power, but because it is who we are, it is what fulfills us. Is it life circumstances and experiences that drive us this direction? Or are we born with an innate desire to help, to give back to care for others? My motivation has been a manifestation of both scenarios.

[tiff]

I really enjoyed reading your essay. There are plenty of scenarios that show you have the ability to overcome obstacles. After finishing reading your essay I was left empty though. The word physician assistant isn't even mentioned. You need to speak more about why you want to be a PA. What has made you want to pursue this career? Otherwise it was very engaging initially.

Hope this helps

[trustshot]

What I liked: I REALLY liked your introduction. That really grabbed my attention. It made me wonder, "well, whats next??" I wanted to keep reading.

Ideas for Revision: I am not saying that you did, but it sounds like you majorly used a thesaurus. Don't do that. Don't use so many "big words". It makes one sound pretentious and it doesn't allow the essay to flow. Keep it simple. Seriously.

Express more about what you have learned from you alcoholic experiences...use the negatives as positives. Share how it has benefited your character.

Grammar: "Realizing I could no longer go it alone..." I think you mean "do" it alone...