Slobbery Legos

[jessica.rae.viola]

I edited "when you want to do more but can't" and "outgrown asthma". Any and all feedback is appreciated! I am over by about 150 characters so if someone could point out anything that isn't necessary that would be especially helpful!

Thanks in advance.


“Weeeeumm! Stop droolin’ on the Legos!”
My two-year-old brother, Dylan, still couldn’t manage to say our brother’s name correctly. He repeatedly replaced the ‘L’ with a ‘W’, turning Liam into “Wee-um”.
“Weeeeummm!” Dylan cried.
I quickly dried my hands after washing the dinner dishes to see what all of the commotion was about. Upon entering the living room, I saw Liam’s small body laying face first into the Lego box, making volatile jerking movements. My heart dropped. Turning him over, all I saw were the whites of his eyes, rolled into the back of his head. My brother was seizing. Although my hands were shaking, I was determined to follow the emergency call-taker’s composed voice on the other line, hoping it would make Liam come back. He may be my little brother, but in many ways Liam greatly influenced the values I hold, values that resulted in my career goal of becoming a Physician Assistant (PA).

Fall term of my freshman year at Drexel, when he was just shy of thirteen years old, Liam attempted to take his own life. Being one of his main support persons, this inevitably took a great toll on me and my grades that Fall and Winter quarter suffered as a result. I often found myself wondering how someone so young could be in so much pain. I felt guilty being away at school when I should be home with him, supporting his daily battles with bipolar disorder. I watched in frustration as countless specialists minimized my parent’s experiences with Liam’s manic episodes. Often times, it wasn’t until it was too late and the safety of my family was jeopardized, that someone took the time to listen. Seeing my parents going in circles trying to access the affordable and effective treatment that Liam needed to survive showed me the importance of accessible health care among a population that is often judged and disregarded. I took pride in the fact that during his worst times Liam and his psychologists felt I was the source he could confide in, that I could bring him back and never judged him the way he felt others did. I desire to become a primary care practitioner so that I can do more and make a difference in others who battle with the burden of psychological disorders, a group who are often times misinterpreted.
My brother’s battles confirmed my hope to work in the medical field, which led to my full time position as a physical therapy aide at Hahnemann Hospital. This opportunity gave me an inside perspective on how things worked in an acute hospital setting and exposure to the multiple health care professionals that comprise excellent patient care, including PAs. One significant patient experience proved becoming a primary care practitioner was the right choice for me. Miguel had a rapidly growing tumor that caused him to have weakness and severe gait difficulties. After spending two weeks of daily therapy with him, and teaching him strengthening techniques, he was overcome with joy as he met his goal. Miguel told me I gave “the best gift you could ever give” and it was extremely rewarding to walk him out of the hospital with his children. That sense of accomplishment after directly contributing to Miguel’s recovery will never leave me, but I learned I wanted to play a bigger role in the evaluation of a patient as well as in the treatment decision-making. The opportunity to not only diagnose and treat but to also effectively communicate to patients is what convinced me to pursue becoming a PA.

Since my internship at HUH, I pursued working in additional healthcare settings and shadowing PAs in a variety of specialties. Recently, I started a medical scribe position at Aria Health’s Emergency Department. The opportunity to collaborate with a Physician, PA or NP and function as their assistant provides direct insight to emergency medical decision-making, disease processes, procedures and the interpretation of lab results and radiographic studies. Most importantly, this position provides the opportunity to observe the unique and awe-inspiring relationship that a health care professional and their patient have. At Aria health I work at two locations with very different socioeconomic backgrounds: Bucks County, a suburban hospital and Frankford Torresdale, an inner city hospital. Working with drastically different patient populations, I am exposed to the health disparities between them and reminded of the differences they have in overall healthcare awareness, health behaviors, as well as healthcare accessibility. This opportunity also shows many of life’s hardships including poverty, drug addiction, mental illness, homelessness, trauma and death. As a medical scribe I am once again reminded of people in true need and I tell myself that as a physician assistant, I know I can contribute.

I have been told a few times that becoming a PA will be one of the most challenging times of my life and I do not doubt it for a second. That initial incident with some slobbery Legos led me on a journey making me more motivated and excited to embrace this opportunity now than ever and I look forward to becoming a certified physician assistant.

[kcmarie123]

Very nicely done. I can see why you're having a hard time cutting it down.

Opening up with story about your brother really pulls the reader in and is a great start to the essay. I also liked that you addressed those with mental health are usually disregarded and judged and you have the first hand experience in seeing that, and want to make a change. I think its great that after each story you explain what it is about that experience that makes you want to pursue the PA profession.

Since your over the character limit, you just have to cut out some detail. You write in such great depth and its hard to just cut things out. But a few ideas on where:

" He may be my little brother, but in many ways Liam greatly influenced the values I hold, values that resulted in my career goal of becoming a Physician Assistant (PA). "
I would just start the sentence with "In many ways Liam...."

" I took pride in the fact that during his worst times Liam and his psychologists felt I was the source he could confide in, that I could bring him back and never judged him the way he felt others did."
I would end the sentence at "Confide in"

The only other place would be at the end when your talking about your scribe work, if there is some way to summarize even more. I'm not sure where to shorten it on that one.

These are just suggestions at taking out just a few characters so you are within the limit but not losing any of the emotion. Hope it helps!

[uabpa]

What a gripping narrative!
For revision, I would try to make a smoother transition from the first and 2nd paragraph. Maybe discuss the relationship with your brother, or the love you have for your brother and how that has directed you towards becoming a PA.

[lefkovic1]

Your story is really great, it brings the reader into your life and allows them to fell what you felt. It is really well worded and comes together nicely. To cut down, maybe reword some of the sentences in your first paragraph to be more succint.