Hello Paul,
I have been browsing your website since the spring and I want to say thank you for taking the time to provide so much information for PA hopefuls like myself. I just stumbled across this CASPA Essays thread and was thrilled to see you giving feedback to other applicants, so I thought I'd post my own draft. My biggest concern as an applicant is my potential lack of patient care experience/clinical training relative to other applicants. I have put in 1300 hours as an ER scribe, but I'm trying to do my best to highlight other accomplishments and experiences that show I'm up to the challenge of a PA career. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.
Thanks again,
Kate
On the western border of the Amazon jungle, the city of Moyobamba, Peru is surrounded by both extravagant beauty and overwhelming poverty. Throughout my 2011 summer internship at San Lucas Medical Clinic, these contrasting themes created an unforgettable experience. San Lucas’ work revolves around providing active medical treatment and preventive health education to both residents of Moyobamba and members of the surrounding coffee farming communities. Accompanied by director Mario Huamán, I participated in several meetings with local farmers to discuss various health concerns and solutions. Through these interactions, I was able to witness the immense impact medical professionals have on the lives of those in need. As a physician assistant, I wish to emulate the example set for me by the staff of San Lucas by working to improve access to health care and education.
I was first exposed to the shortcomings of medical care in the United States during my time as a medical specialist intern at the International Institute of St. Louis. Attempting to schedule timely medical appointments for refugees showed me how difficult navigating the health care system can be. Waiting to see a medical provider was especially troubling for new refugees like Fatima, a diabetic who waited six weeks to receive a prescription for insulin. This experience inspired me to search for a career in medicine that would not only help those with limited access to healthcare, but also a medical career that would be part of a systemic solution.
My insight into the American health care system was expanded as an intern at Restore St. Louis – Health Connection. During this time, I was asked to create a handbook of medical services available to the urban poor. This task was completed by interviewing directors and staff at low cost clinics in the greater St. Louis area. From each site, I collected information regarding fee structures, documentation requirements for new patients, and level of treatment available. A common feature at all clinics visited was the need for lower patient-provider ratios. As a physician assistant, I look forward to meeting the need for effective and cost efficient patient care.
In addition to providing medical treatment, I am convinced that promoting preventative health education is key to creating stronger communities. Collecting data for my senior Anthropology thesis, “The Allure of Healthy Living: Customer Motivations for Shopping at Whole Foods Market”, I discovered that misconceptions of wellness exist even in the most affluent populations. Based on my research, I was able to conclude that the majority of consumers make their food selections based on brand reputation, rather than on actual nutritional content. I received the opportunity to present my thesis findings to a group of local representatives as a nominee for Missouri’s Research Day at the Capitol. As part of my presentation, I was also able to share my concern for improving access to preventative health care and education. With obesity rates continuing to climb within the U.S., it is crucial that individuals become aware of how diet and lifestyle directly affect personal well-being. As a physician assistant, I plan to take an active role in educating patients. I believe such an approach is essential for reversing these negative health trends.
My observations as an emergency room scribe also support my belief that many medical problems can be prevented through education. I discovered that a significant number of patients passing through the ER are admitted for complaints resulting from unhealthy life choices, such as poor eating habits, smoking, and lack of exercise. Working alongside both MDs and PAs in the ER has also allowed me to recognize the valuable role physician assistants play in the treatment and education of patients.
Just as Mario and his team provided a well-rounded approach to addressing shortcomings of health care in Peru, so I plan to use my role as a physician assistant to improve the quality of medical service and education in my community. Most importantly, I know that a career as a physician assistant is one that will both challenge me as an individual and provide me daily opportunities to provide a fundamental service to those in need.
Personal Statement: Help please!
Re: Personal Statement: Help please!
Okay, Kate. Here goes. As always, take what you find useful, and leave the rest.
What I liked:
Your essay was clean and free of grammatical and spelling errors, which is less common than you might think. You led with a paragraph that was exotic, like its locale, and offered a nice peek at your health experience. You demonstrated a good working knowledge of healthcare policy, particularly the disparities between those with good care and those with limited care. You returned to your first paragraph anecdote in your conclusion, which reminded us how you started it all (or at least, what mattered to you most).
Ideas for revision:
1) It felt a little "listy," meaning each paragraph shared something different, and there wasn't a lot of transition or connection between them. This can usually be improved by starting new paragraphs with an eye for how they relate to the one(s) that precede them, and adding a few words of transition to help the reader see the connection.
2) It may be a style preference of my own, but I would prefer to see you save a few characters by not giving all of the program titles and names (particularly last names) of people. It can be a little distracting. If they want to know what particular program you volunteered for, they'll be more interested in inviting you to an interview to ask you about it - you definitely want their curiosity. Brief summaries, like "During a summer spent volunteering for a medical aid program in the Amazon jungle, I..." may serve as alternatives. For names, just use the first name, and only when the particular person's identity matters to the story, like when you will refer to them again later.
3) though I loved your return to the amazon in your last paragraph, somehow you need to keep the amazon experience/values alive in the body paragraphs so that when you close with it, the reader will see how it's all connected.
4) I think I would like more about the amazon and your scribe work and a little less about the nutrition, but that's just me. I definitely wouldn't name Whole Foods - it makes your good research sound a little ho-hum and/or "consumery." You could easily describe your thesis on "nutrition engagement," "dietary decision making," or some other description that might avoid the thought of watching people shop at the supermarket. Again, if they are curious enough about it, they'll invite you in.
5) If you didn't change any of the above, you would be okay. The area that I think really could make a difference for you in this essay is that it reads a little "sterile." Where's your passion? What had deep meaning for you? Show us some of your depth. This essay is very professional, appropriate, and measured. But your humanity falls a little flat, and I know you have it. Show it to them! Mentions of your unique personality quirks, loveable weaknesses, humor, and thoughts about the profound and/or touching go a long way toward bringing you alive to the reader. You might read some of the other essays in this thread - there are several good examples of people sharing things that are moving, profound, and touching.
Don't start over! Take what you have, and tweak, add, edit, whatever. You have a nice draft here (clearly not a first draft), but I think it can improve greatly with a little more thought and revision.
Feel free to post again if you revise it.
Paul
What I liked:
Your essay was clean and free of grammatical and spelling errors, which is less common than you might think. You led with a paragraph that was exotic, like its locale, and offered a nice peek at your health experience. You demonstrated a good working knowledge of healthcare policy, particularly the disparities between those with good care and those with limited care. You returned to your first paragraph anecdote in your conclusion, which reminded us how you started it all (or at least, what mattered to you most).
Ideas for revision:
1) It felt a little "listy," meaning each paragraph shared something different, and there wasn't a lot of transition or connection between them. This can usually be improved by starting new paragraphs with an eye for how they relate to the one(s) that precede them, and adding a few words of transition to help the reader see the connection.
2) It may be a style preference of my own, but I would prefer to see you save a few characters by not giving all of the program titles and names (particularly last names) of people. It can be a little distracting. If they want to know what particular program you volunteered for, they'll be more interested in inviting you to an interview to ask you about it - you definitely want their curiosity. Brief summaries, like "During a summer spent volunteering for a medical aid program in the Amazon jungle, I..." may serve as alternatives. For names, just use the first name, and only when the particular person's identity matters to the story, like when you will refer to them again later.
3) though I loved your return to the amazon in your last paragraph, somehow you need to keep the amazon experience/values alive in the body paragraphs so that when you close with it, the reader will see how it's all connected.
4) I think I would like more about the amazon and your scribe work and a little less about the nutrition, but that's just me. I definitely wouldn't name Whole Foods - it makes your good research sound a little ho-hum and/or "consumery." You could easily describe your thesis on "nutrition engagement," "dietary decision making," or some other description that might avoid the thought of watching people shop at the supermarket. Again, if they are curious enough about it, they'll invite you in.
5) If you didn't change any of the above, you would be okay. The area that I think really could make a difference for you in this essay is that it reads a little "sterile." Where's your passion? What had deep meaning for you? Show us some of your depth. This essay is very professional, appropriate, and measured. But your humanity falls a little flat, and I know you have it. Show it to them! Mentions of your unique personality quirks, loveable weaknesses, humor, and thoughts about the profound and/or touching go a long way toward bringing you alive to the reader. You might read some of the other essays in this thread - there are several good examples of people sharing things that are moving, profound, and touching.
Don't start over! Take what you have, and tweak, add, edit, whatever. You have a nice draft here (clearly not a first draft), but I think it can improve greatly with a little more thought and revision.
Feel free to post again if you revise it.
Paul