My CASPA essay - help! :)

Questions about your physician assistant personal statement? Want some critique? This is the place.
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jessicaG4389
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My CASPA essay - help! :)

Post by jessicaG4389 » Sun Jul 29, 2012 9:06 pm

This is my first time applying to CASPA. As a science major and at a university where we didn't have any "required" classes outside our major, I am only used to writing lab reports! :) I do not have much experience formally writing essays so any and all feedback is welcome!! :) I am happy to share the wealth and review your essays as well :)

Thank you in advance!


The personal philosophy that guided the life of Walter Reuther, a famous American labor union leader, exemplifies my genuine passion in life. Walter once said, “There is no greater calling than to serve your fellow men. There is no greater contribution than to help the weak. There is no greater satisfaction than to have done it well”. My experience helping others in the healthcare field has provided me with an overwhelming sense of personal worth and happiness. While the path that led me to my current job as a patient care technician was not easy, it has been the most rewarding experience of my life.

My parents both came from a small rural town in New York where education was not their main priority. My father only graduated high school, while my mother received a two-year degree from a community college simply due to the persistence of my grandparents. When my parents divorced in 2006, I was left to pay for my college degree on my own. I held two part-time jobs throughout my entire four years of college. As a result, my GPA suffered, as having money to live became a priority over the extra time I needed studying for an exam. However, I was determined to persevere because I knew my purpose in life was to help others in the medical field. There was not an hour of my day throughout college that I did not take full advantage of. I was either at work, studying, or volunteering because my dream of being in the medical profession was my top priority.

After graduating college, I wanted to immerse myself in the healthcare profession. I began working as a patient care technician at Unity Hospital on a cardiac and stroke floor. It was here at Unity that I was exposed to the often life-threatening heart conditions and the debilitating complications following a stroke. The job was extremely challenging, frequently involving post-mortem care and the delicate emotional issues that surround the end of life.

However wearing at times, my job was exceptionally gratifying. I was in direct contact with patients and their families. Aside from taking care of their medical needs, I was able to help them emotionally by talking with them and listening to their concerns. It was through these intimate moments with my patients that lead me to pursue a career as a Physician Assistant (PA). I discovered that when the patients asked me specific questions about their illness and plan of care, I was left feeling helpless. I had a strong intrinsic desire to learn more about the diseases and I wanted to have a greater responsibility in their treatment and plan of care.

My own medical emergency would soon transform me from a healthcare worker to a hospital patient. I awoke one morning in 2011 with crippling abdominal pain. After several hours in the emergency room, the doctors had not found the cause of my aliment. I was extremely afraid and concerned by the time the PA came in to assess me. The PA entered my room and calmly began to explain my plan of care. She explained the procedures the healthcare team wanted to perform and why they were necessary. After the procedures were over, she came back into my room to explain that I had been diagnosed with diverticulosis. She immediately explained the condition and offered to answer any questions I had. I was amazed at her friendly and compassionate manner when communicating with me. She treated me like a person, not just another patient. I knew from this moment on I would pursue my dream of becoming a PA to the fullest of my ability.

Physician Assistants have the medical responsibilities that I desire: being able to diagnose and treat patients while employing a holistic approach with regards to the patient’s emotional needs. While shadowing a geriatric PA at Unity, I realized the Physician Assistant career embodies the true meaning of patient advocacy. The PA sat at the bedside of her patients and explained their plan of care while also engaging the patient in the conversation. She asked the patients about their concerns and was genuinely interested with their emotional well-being in addition to their physical state. I was overjoyed to discover the intimate moments that I had with my patients talking with them at bedside would only become amplified when I became a PA. My passion for learning and my genuine love of helping others gives me confidence that I will one day become a Physician Assistant who will go above and beyond to give my patients the absolute best medical care physically and emotionally.

icemaidene
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Re: My CASPA essay - help! :)

Post by icemaidene » Sun Jul 29, 2012 11:42 pm

Jessica, this is a strong essay.

Para 1, I like how you start strong with your personal philosophy. That first paragraph tells the reader exactly who you are and what drives you. You also let us know you have invaluable experience in the healthcare field as a PCT.

In para 2, The background with your parents level of education gives us great insight to your personal struggles with school and finances and its overall impact on your GPA. It's great that while you say you current job is gratifying, you admit that it is "however wearing at times"...that makes the statement believable ;)

Changes I would make would be (my opinion of course..I'm by no means an expert :) )
"While the path that led me to my current job as a patient care technician was not easy, it has been the most rewarding experience of my life". Use or say it has been one of the most rewarding instead of, "The most...."

I'm not getting a sense of why you wanted to "immerse yourself" in the healthcare profession. Give some background as to why.

Para 4, " I had a strong intrinsic desire to learn more about the diseases and I wanted to have a greater responsibility in their treatment and plan of care" again why PA and not MD?
Maybe if u used paragraph 5 before para. 4 we would get a sense of your introduction to the field of PA's and how that experience contributed to your career changing decision

Your conclusion introduces a new topic leaving the last sentence as the actual conclusion. I would take that last sentence and begin a new conclusion paragraph with that and basically reiterate the overall theme of your essay which is why you want to be a PA.
Overall this is a great essay and with a few changes you can strengthen it even more. Great job ;D

jessicaG4389
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Re: My CASPA essay - help! :)

Post by jessicaG4389 » Sun Jul 29, 2012 11:58 pm

Thank you so much! Yes I didn't really know what to do with the last sentence! I'll try to think of something more to add on! I'm glad you didn't think it was a disaster :)

PaulK
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Re: My CASPA essay - help! :)

Post by PaulK » Mon Jul 30, 2012 5:51 am

This is a good start. Your sentence structure varies in a way that makes things flow and not seem repetitive. Good job with that.

Ideas for revision:

- health care is two words, not one.
- I would refer to Walter Reuther by full name the first time, and there after by last name only, like in a newspaper.
- It wasn't your grandparents' persistence that got your mother her AA degree (because your mom got the degree), but I know what you're trying to say. Maybe her parents' insistence? Or their influence?
-rather than "determined to persevere," would just pick one. Either you were determined, or you persevered. Simpler is almost always better.
-"volunteering [comma needed here] because..."
-"immerse myself in the health care field" OR "immerse myself in a health care profession." As you have it, it sounds like there is only one health care profession.

It wasn't clear to me how the intimate moments with patients led you to want to become a PA. I mean, it could easily have made you want to become a nurse, a psychotherapist, or a chaplain. Be specific: what about PA spoke to you? You could even leave this first reference to the profession out and let your personal experience of the profession with the PA who treated you share this in the next paragraph. But if you say it in paragraph 4, you need to give them some idea how you fell on PA and not some other profession.

Your medical problem - a nice anecdote to share. I think if you're referring to an acute episode, the correct term would be diverticulitis (acute infection/inflammation of a diverticulum). Diverticulosis is the chronic condition you have all the time that puts you at risk for diverticulitis. Small point, but you might as well be spot on...

Your conclusion wasn't very focused, and work here will make the biggest impact. I suggest you look at your reference to Reuther and at what you were trying to get across to the committee by sharing it. Then return to and further emphasize this idea in your conclusion.

jessicaG4389
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Re: My CASPA essay - help! :)

Post by jessicaG4389 » Mon Jul 30, 2012 3:06 pm

Thank you Paul for the help - I will make the changes you suggested!

I have diverticulosis but I did have a diverticulitis episode that time.

My essay was 3 characters short of the max so I will have to rearrange it very carefully. Thank you for your professional insight!!

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Re: My CASPA essay - help! :)

Post by angyelk » Tue Jul 31, 2012 1:21 pm

Great essay! I wasn't sure when I initially started reading it. All I thought was, "Ugh not another essay that starts with a cliche and a quote." I guess that's the weak part about the initial portion of the essay.
The body of the essay is awesome. I very much like how you described how you reached your decision to become a PA and the experiences you gained from it.
I think you should maybe rearrange the sentences so that it's more like you're having a conversation with someone, rather than writing a rigid essay. I totally understand the difficulty in writing a narrative after having spent so much time writing on scientific lab reports. It's frustrating, haha! I don't mean to be harsh, so don't take it that way.. please!
I mean sentences like this: However wearing at times, my job was exceptionally gratifying." I had to read that twice because I was so confused. There were a lot of times you used "as" and it made no sense to me because I thought you were comparing something but you were just describing a scenario. I see it used like that all the time, but it got kind of old.
Also, the paragraph where you're describing your illness/condition is a decent segway... I think you should perhaps make it more memorable or personal, though. Not to be rude, but every single CASPA essay I've read has a story about how the applicant was in the hospital, or their grandpa was in a hospital, or someone they know was in a hospital. That's totally okay! I mean, health care is a big deal and it should always be that way... but I find myself remembering specific stories. Like one girl said she had lymphatic cancer. One guy said his grandpa got his leg amputated. I think if you gave more information about -your- specific condition it would make it more memorable and personal. I'm not saying give every last detail, just give something.

I hope this helps! best of luck!

Andrewww
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Re: My CASPA essay - help! :)

Post by Andrewww » Mon Nov 05, 2018 3:32 pm

this is very strong essay!

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