First time applicant looking for feedback on first draft

[janellemarieee]

“Getting fitted for a new leg was my favorite part,” a thirty-six year old woman, June, jokingly chuckled as she unstrapped her prosthesis. June was one of the camp counselors for Camp No Limits, a camp for children with limb loss. I sat in a circle of volunteers and amputees while some shared their stories. About 10 years ago, June was in a terrible motorcycle accident. The physician was able to reattach her leg, however, gangrene set in, and they were forced to amputate the limb. Being such an active person, June was devastated and worried she would not be able to do many of the activities she loved. But with the help of her amazing healthcare team, she had a quick recovery and was able to get fitted for a prosthetic limb after three months.
Hearing June’s story was just one of the many moments I knew I wanted to pursue a career in the medical field. I strive to be a part of the healthcare team that guide people towards recovery, whether the condition is from an amputated limb or a sinus infection. Throughout my college career, I have explored various careers in medicine, trying to find the position that fit my personality the best. My first experience working in healthcare was when I became a volunteer in the emergency department (ED) at Saddleback Memorial hospital. I spent most of my time transporting patients, preparing beds, and running errands for nurses. Although I was not directly responsible for each patient’s treatment, the connections I created with each patient made a positive impact on their recovery. From pushing patients in a wheelchair to keeping them company while I restocked the rooms, I felt it was my job to take their mind off their current situation. Chatting with them or simply giving them a cheerful smile transformed patients into a healthier state, which confirmed my interest in patient-centered care.
I became more interested in the PA profession in my junior year of college, when I was able to work closely with PAs. As a member of Alpha Epsilon Delta, a National Health Preprofessional Honor Society, I planned and volunteered in free health clinics in underserved communities. Several PAs volunteered their time to supervise our clinics. I was able to work closely with them, talking to them about their career and journey in our free time. Each of them advocated the profession so passionately that the idea of becoming a PA became strongly rooted in me.
Since then, I have focused on developing my skills into becoming a successful PA. I started working as a physical therapy (PT) aide to gain more direct patient experience. As a PT aide, I begin the therapy session by talking to the patients and asking for any updates with their recovery. I worked closely with the physical therapist, relaying the patient’s new concerns and collaborating on a treatment protocol for the therapy session. Although PT aides do not diagnose patients, I often found myself thinking of a treatment plan concerning the new issues and comparing this to the protocol from the therapist. As I gained more experience, my plans became similar more often. I found myself loving the idea of using my critical thinking skills to create a plan of action for my patients, which further increased my interest in the PA profession. I was captivated by the idea of being able to independently diagnose patients, but also collaborating with a supervising physician when needed.
To further ensure that the PA profession was right for me, I shadowed a couple PAs. One of the main features they had in common was a strong, trusting relationship with each patient. Patients are generally not in the healthcare setting because they want to be. More often than not, they are fearful and at risk of losing their health. I firmly believe that a positive partnership with patients has a great impact on their recovery. Therefore, the physical therapist and I work as a team to create a comfortable and trusting healthcare environment. I make sure to actively listen to the patient’s perspective on their injury. I ask them about their day, hobbies, or other interests to help put them at ease, all while assisting them on their exercises or performing treatment with modalities.
Volunteering at Camp No Limits not only confirmed my interest in healthcare, but it also greatly inspired me. The amazing amputees I met taught me to live a life without limits, encouraging me to live my life with purpose and pursue my dreams. Through my experiences, I have found where my greatest skills meet what I am passionate about, which led me to the doorstep of the PA profession. Working as a PA will allow me to diagnose patients independently and treat them with compassionate patient care, while being able to effectively collaborate with a physician. Seeing the amputees fight each obstacle to get to where they are now has influenced me to keep moving forward, ready to conquer any challenges to fulfill my goal of becoming a PA.

[Beljemayow]

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[bschmitt23]

I think you have a solid start and good examples!

There are definitely things that could be improved though:
1) In the second to last paragraph it doesn't really fit together nicely, you go from saying that you shadowed some PAs but never talk much about that experience and then go back to PT aide.. I think it could work but you need to find a better way to bridge that gap because right now it seems like two separate thoughts that you just stuck together.
2) You use the word amazing twice, not saying that it's a bad word choice but you could include something else there like "the resilient amputees" or something like that? Just something to consider!
3) You could split up your rather long first paragraph into more of an intro (potentially splitting here "sinus infection. Throughout...")
4) You talk about working with PA while volunteering but then later you touch on shadowing a PA, these two topics could be put together

I agree with what the other person said when they said to read it aloud, you can probably catch a lot of mistake and little changes needed while doing that.