Essays I read and critiqued:
- pclerv01 : "My one and only Grandma"
- joshmc89: "Lets Give It Up For Disappointments!"
Hi everyone, I have now completed my second draft I think I still have a bit of work to do. Hopefully you can help! Let me know of anything you think of while reading it that could make it better. I am still over as far as the length, above by about 1500 characters (roughly 100 words I'd guess). If you see anything that you think I could do to cut it down please let me know!!
Thanks for you time !
Mentally exhausted and physically drained from taking a full course load at The University of Central Florida, working full time as a Certified Nurse Assistant (CNA), among other responsibilities, I found myself at the gym of all places getting in a late night workout. It has always been a top priority of mine to maintain a healthy lifestyle, exercising and eating right, so even with all that was going on in my life, I made time to exercise. The fatigue made my body completely give in and cramp up while lifting weights. My finger found itself in the wrong place at the wrong time: I dropped the 65 pound dumbbell between a sharp metal edge on the bench and the weight as it rolled off my finger, literally. I stood up trying to shake the pain out of my hand, a sensation similar to slamming a finger in a doorjamb but more painful. I looked down and to my surprise blood was dripping from the gaping hole where the tip of my finger used to be. I lost about ½ inch of my middle finger as well as the entire nail and cuticle. Walking into the gym that night I was looking forward to some much needed sleep afterward but instead was awake all night in the emergency room. The open fracture landed me in the hospital for four days including a surgery that lasted several hours. The whole situation was extremely painful but I prefer to look back on it not with bitterness but as a blessing. It showed me what it is like to be a patient in desperate need of medical care. Throughout my stay Physician Assistants were responsible for a major portion of my care and I was able to see firsthand what their job is like. It was this event that confirmed my desires to pursue this profession and work as a PA, caring for those who truly need my help and making a tangible difference in the lives of others.
The first time I learned about the PA profession was when I came home from high school one afternoon to find my mom talking excitedly about it. My mother is an RN, and has always been passionate about caring for others, with a high degree of job satisfaction. This particular day, she had visited a new practitioner at the dermatology office, a Physician Assistant. Afterwards, she was constantly talking about the profession and researching it. I knew there must be something to it, as I had never seen her so excited or even interested in another career. I couldn’t help myself but to become a bit curious. Soon after, I went to my appointment to meet Vince, the dermatology PA, and join the conversation about becoming a Physician Assistant. He talked about being a PA in a way that showed a very appealing avenue to practice medicine. Although my mom unfortunately wasn’t able to pursue this at her particular stage of life, it seemed like the perfect opportunity for me. About a year later, my mom started having some mysterious health problems. She had always been healthy in terms of nutrition and exercise with no medical issues. Suddenly she seemed to always be low on energy, short of breath, and experiencing faintness or dizziness upon sitting or standing up. She was seen by several medical professionals for months without any answers. One night my dad frantically woke me up to come help him pick up my mom from the tile floor on which she hit her head and was bleeding after losing consciousness. Her head turned out to be okay with just a small gash. The next day, however, she could hardly breathe, was really weak, and asked me to take her to the emergency room. They suggested it may be something with her heart and ordered an echocardiogram. Within seconds of beginning the procedure, the technician’s mouth dropped open and they ran off to get the doctor. My mom had a tumor filling about 90% of her atrium, being pulled down into her ventricle with every heartbeat, hanging on by a thread. If it broke off, it would kill her immediately. Atrial myxoma is not especially common, and finding a surgeon to do it wasn’t easy. Thankfully, we were able to find somebody to do it promptly. They did a great job removing the tumor and she began to heal immediately was a very scary situation for my whole family from which I think all of us gained a sense of appreciation for every single day as well as the healthcare industry in general which saved my mom’s life. I wouldn’t want to spend my life any other way than being involved in the care of others and potentially play a life saving role in a situation similar to that.
I have now been working and volunteering in healthcare for close to two years. This has provided me with invaluable experiences that reinforce my desire to practice healthcare as a Physician Assistant. I worked at an assisted living facility for over a year primarily taking care of Alzheimer’s and dementia patients, responsible for the majority of the care of several residents. Many times a day I would see how helpless and alone these patients would be if it wasn’t for the care we provide. It is a humbling experience to go to work and do for these people many of the things they simply can’t do by themselves anymore. Many days, I am the only person to interact with some of these individuals, as some rarely have visitors. I have now been working at Florida Hospital as a Patient Care Technician since June. My job is titled well, as all of my responsibilities revolve around direct patient care. I have worked on a Progressive Care Units as well as a Medical/Telemetry Unit. I love the opportunity I have to impact somebody and brighten their day, so I try to make every second count. Also, I have been able to serve at Shepherd’s Hope as a CNA as part of a completely volunteer nursing team working alongside Doctors and PAs who are all volunteering their time as well in order to provide medical care to those who wouldn’t be able to afford it otherwise. I have seen countless inspiring stories in which patients arrived without hope and left with the answers and treatment they needed. It is wonderful to be able to make a sincere difference in someone’s life.
A recurring theme that I have seen through all of this is that a healthcare provider can bless people in a unique way, by doing something for them that they couldn’t on their own. From my personal finger incident, to my mom’s heart condition, I was put in the shoes of a patient as well as the family. It was a humbling experience which put me in desperate need of outside help from a healthcare professional. I was blessed with exceptional treatment and I want nothing else than to be that blessing for somebody else.
CNA Amputates Finger
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PAProgramHopeful
- Newbie
- Posts: 3
- Joined: Mon Aug 04, 2014 4:19 pm
Re: CNA Amputates Finger
What I liked -
I really enjoyed your personal stories about your experiences on the other end of the healthcare system. Plus you included how you have provided care for others so it shows that you're experienced on the healthcare providing side as well.
Ideas for revision -
Since you're so far over the character limit, shortening your beginning story may help. Consider cutting the sentence "Walking into the gym that night I was looking forward to some much needed sleep afterward but instead was awake all night in the emergency room."
It also may help to shorten the section where your mom first learned about the PA program. For example, "The first time I learned about the PA profession was when I came home from high school one afternoon to find my mom talking excitedly about it. My mother is an RN, and has always been passionate about caring for others, with a high degree of job satisfaction. This particular day, she had visited a new practitioner at the dermatology office, a Physician Assistant. Afterwards, she was constantly talking about the profession and researching it. I knew there must be something to it, as I had never seen her so excited or even interested in another career." This could probably be shortened into just a couple sentences like "I first learned about the PA profession from my mother, who is an RN and very passionate about caring for others. She had visited the dermatologist and had a PA as her new practitioner. She was very interested and excited about the profession, and after researching it I felt similarly." Just an example!
Also where you talk about learning about the PA program you mention that the dermatologist PA described a 'very appealing avenue to practice medicine'. I bet schools would be interested in just what specifically makes it so interesting to you.
I really enjoyed your personal stories about your experiences on the other end of the healthcare system. Plus you included how you have provided care for others so it shows that you're experienced on the healthcare providing side as well.
Ideas for revision -
Since you're so far over the character limit, shortening your beginning story may help. Consider cutting the sentence "Walking into the gym that night I was looking forward to some much needed sleep afterward but instead was awake all night in the emergency room."
It also may help to shorten the section where your mom first learned about the PA program. For example, "The first time I learned about the PA profession was when I came home from high school one afternoon to find my mom talking excitedly about it. My mother is an RN, and has always been passionate about caring for others, with a high degree of job satisfaction. This particular day, she had visited a new practitioner at the dermatology office, a Physician Assistant. Afterwards, she was constantly talking about the profession and researching it. I knew there must be something to it, as I had never seen her so excited or even interested in another career." This could probably be shortened into just a couple sentences like "I first learned about the PA profession from my mother, who is an RN and very passionate about caring for others. She had visited the dermatologist and had a PA as her new practitioner. She was very interested and excited about the profession, and after researching it I felt similarly." Just an example!
Also where you talk about learning about the PA program you mention that the dermatologist PA described a 'very appealing avenue to practice medicine'. I bet schools would be interested in just what specifically makes it so interesting to you.