PA dream vs reality

[nutmeg]

Since deciding to become a PA after exhaustive research between NPs, nursing, PAs and MDs, I have been volunteering in a small hospital ER and shadowing various providers.

To pepper my question: I'm 36 and had a long career in journalism. After 15 years, I knew it was time to actually do some good in the world, instead of just writing about it. I love all kinds of topics, but over the past few years, human health and medicine has become the standout passion for me. So, I finally got the guts to go back to school and get all of the science pre-reqs I am lacking. I've always been a good (not brilliant, but smart) student, and am not terribly concerned about making the grades (except for possibly in chemistry).

After reading and talking to providers, it turns out that I couldn't be more "cut out" for this job. I love helping people with their physical needs, have great intuition about the body and health, people like to confide in me and trust my advice. I love the science of the body, and I'm outgoing with an enthusiastic personality, love being on my feet, and can make decisions under pressure. I actually really like blood, and am not shy about cleaning up messes. I am particularly fond of wrinkly old people and have a great deal of compassion for the mentally ill that come into my ER.

BUT. When I'm shadowing or working a night in the ER (where I change beds, talk to patients, run errands, clean rooms, learn the EHR) I have found myself more than a little overwhelmed by the hospital environment:

-- first, the equipment: I have no idea what all the syringes, tubing, machines, bags, monitors, needles, and the countless other supplies are. The nurses promise me all of that will come in time.

-- i'm not a huge fan of certain social aspects. Nurses can be caddy and docs can be exceptionally condescending and uncompassionate. I get that every department has a particular reputation, and the ER is notoriously...brutal... but I'm a soft and kind person. I worry I don't have the "guts" for medicine.

When I'm in the ER or shadowing, I catch myself thinking "wow, I don't know if I can do this. It's such a foreign environment to me and I don't know if I like it.Then again, I've always found change very difficult.

I find the office environment of the private practice or specialty clinic to be less intimidating, so that is a little reassuring. I have fond feelings about my experiences *afterwards*. I love talking about my shadowing and ER experiences and I am always enthusiastic about my chosen path...I just feel really emotionally disjointed between my dream, my skills, and the actualities of the practice environment.

So long story long... am I going to get more comfortable with all this? Do I just need to keep shadowing until I find an environment I fit into or until I get comfortable? Am I not cut out for this?

[jaredwiley]

Too bad you never got a reply to this. I would've liked to have read it. How are you now? Living the dream?